I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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