I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
