Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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