i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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