Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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