she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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