Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I would ride that face into the sunset
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
