i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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