You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
