I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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