How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
