Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
