Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
