He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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