I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
this boner is exhausting
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
