I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
