Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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