My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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