Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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