he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
