Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
