peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
