my soul wont recognize me after tonight
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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