I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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