I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
