i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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