i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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