she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
don't judge my taste in strippers
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
