I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
