OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
