I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Randomize
