I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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