I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
