The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize