just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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