I wish my penis had an off switch
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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