I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
