SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
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Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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