Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
