I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
