Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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