A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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