when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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