Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
love makes seman taste better
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
