If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
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I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
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I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize