Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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