She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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