dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
