I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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