ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
