dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Alive.
So much puke
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
