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It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
