I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
