my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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