I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
