im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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